My Dad
April 21, 2008 at 4:37 pm (heart, inner journey, inspiration, love, personal growth, unconditional love)
Tags: alcoholism, death, father, forgiveness, love
This week I am going to visit my dad. He lives in Florida and is scheduled for open heart surgery. Because of his poor health there is a significant chance that he may not survive. My dad has been a gigantic part of my life. Not heroic; but gigantic. He spent much of his life addicted to alcohol.
The influence of his addiction helped form the foundation of who I am today. As I grew up I developed powerful and useful personality adaptations, all of which helped me survive; all of which had significant downsides to them.
I grew up sensitive and intuitive. I had to be. If dad was in a ‘mood’ he was to be avoided at all costs because making the wrong move could wake the dragon. The positive side of my sensitivity and intuitiveness has helped me read situations well and make adjustments to other people…but the negative side was that I often avoided confrontations and shut down my own feelings.
I became very reflective and independent, spending a lot of time on my own, and spending as much time as I could out of the house and away from him. I read tons of books, I wrote terrible poetry, I spent huge amounts of time at the basketball courts. When I left home for college, I made my own way and rarely came home.
There was a lot of upside to this. I became a good basketball player and was recruited to play in college. I eventually went on to be an English teacher and in addition to blogging, I have written a novel and am in the midst of a second one.
The downside of this reflective and independent streak was that intimacy was difficult for me. I was afraid to trust my partners in relationships. I needed to be in control, for that seemed to be the safest place to be in a relationship. I wouldn’t get hurt if I were in control… at least I thought I wouldn’t. No wonder after getting married in my 20’s I was divorced within 18 months.
My dad was the ‘villain’ in my life story and I was the heroic victim. I was mad at him for years…even as I sought his approval. For years I wished that my childhood could have been different, that I would have had a loving and supportive father. That instead of dreading my father coming home after work, that I had a dad that I looked forward to seeing.I went through years where I healed many parts of me that were broken and eventually found myself able to forgive him.
And now, in the last decade, I have learned to open my heart. I have learned to love the person that I am and that has enabled me to love him, unconditionally…without the need for apologies nor the need for me to forgive him. He doesn’t need my forgiveness.
Whatever suffering I felt years ago is gone. It no longer defines me. In a strange way it was a gift to me. My spirit and my soul have grown tremendously because of him. I never thought I’d say this; but I wouldn’t have changed anything on this journey.
So now I sit on edge of a huge transition. This man, my father…this gigantic figure in my life, may be leaving forever. He is so much a part of me and I am so lucky to have him in my life.
Like so many Irish fathers and sons, including his own father, there were some epic battles fought during our lives. But when I sit with my own son; when on occasion I corner him, give him a hug, and tell him I love him… ( to his consternation, after all he is 16)…I know that the cycle is broken.
I have learned to love…in large part throught the journey that my father and I have taken together.
His spirit will always be with me.
pete
Neil said,
April 21, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Pete,
I will keep you and your dad in my prayers. What an insightful and beautiful post. Please let us know the outcome of his surgery.
Thanks,
Neil
Harmony said,
April 23, 2008 at 5:16 am
Pete,
I so resonate with your comments. My experience is very similar.
I won’t share something I learned right now, as it is not the time. But maybe sometime will be right.
I am setting an intention to hold space for you, and you father.
You are in my feedburner, and everytime I see Touchstones, which is several times a day, I will offer love and support.
Please let us know how it goes. You have friends here.
Harmony
Heidi said,
April 23, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Thanks for being so frank and open about this - it’s inspiring to me to see how you share yourself so honestly!
What stands out for me is that you’ve reached a place where you can honestly say you wouldn’t change a thing about the journey.
I’m really getting to a place where I can understand and believe that every relationship in our lives is there to enrich us or guide us on our own journey - so even the tough ones are there for what they teach us (even when they’re painful). That has helped me get out of the “victim” mindset.
It’s also helped me be less emotional about the tough stuff that happens to my kids - and to focus instead on the learning that can come from the things we can’t control.
Do you think that, with a different kind of support in your early years - whether from your mother or from someone else close to you - could you have learned the lessons and experienced the growth that you did without as much of the pain?
Pete Reilly said,
April 23, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Harmony,
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I spent a beautiful day with my father today at the beach. I realize that I am still learning from him…what it is to grow old and lose the firmity of the body that used to be so responsive, the letting go and the holding on that takes place in the shadow of the unknown….
Somehow, the dolphin we saw playing in the bay today, the wonderful shorebirds and connected us beyond ourselves to that unique place nature holds for us.
pete
Pete Reilly said,
April 23, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Heidi,
I think your question is a good one and I don’t know the answer. I have always felt that we can be spurred to growth by pain, or by a feeling that we have been given so many gifts that we commit to using them to serve others. In the later case, that commitment to service initiates the journey.
pete
Harmony said,
April 24, 2008 at 2:41 am
Pete,
Good to hear! I am so grateful for this time you shared.
Many times I prayed for you today.
I am blessed you took the time to update.
Each moment has it’s own blessings…
Harmony
Heidi said,
April 24, 2008 at 6:40 am
Thanks for your response Pete.
I guess I’m thinking about children - they can’t choose who will be in their lives or make the kinds of changes that we as adults can.
On the other hand, they have a mind-boggling capacity for learning.
And I think they come into this world clearly connected to their own spirit - it is only in their interactions and this world that they learn pain.
If a child is surrounded by dysfunction, abuse, doubt, anger, pain - can one person help that child realize their own potential, their true worth, their gifts? I think so!
I think one person can turn the tide for a child - a parent, a friend, a teacher.
How do we be that one person?
Harmony said,
April 28, 2008 at 6:42 am
Pete, still thinking of you. A bit concerned as we have not heard, but knowing that you have all you need to deal with things as they are.
Blessings
Pete Reilly said,
April 29, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Harmony,
My father was pulled from the operating table when a pre-existing infection was discovered. He will be in ICU while they clear this up and he should be undergoing the surgery later this week.
My week with him has been wonderful.
pete
Harmony said,
May 3, 2008 at 1:20 am
I have seen your other two posts and you seem to be doing fine. I am so glad for the time you spent with your dad. Still holding the space for you.
Harmony
Pete Reilly said,
May 3, 2008 at 2:36 pm
An update for all of you who have kept my father and me in your hearts…
My dad made it through the surgery yesterday. He made it through the night and seems to be doing okay. The next few days are critical; but there are some amazing doctors and nurses taking care of him, so everyone is feeling very hopeful.
Thank you, Harmony, and others who have sent me your kind words and supportive spirit.
pete