This week I am going to visit my dad. He lives in Florida and is scheduled for open heart surgery. Because of his poor health there is a significant chance that he may not survive. My dad has been a gigantic part of my life. Not heroic; but gigantic. He spent much of his life addicted to alcohol.
The influence of his addiction helped form the foundation of who I am today. As I grew up I developed powerful and useful personality adaptations, all of which helped me survive; all of which had significant downsides to them.
I grew up sensitive and intuitive. I had to be. If dad was in a ‘mood’ he was to be avoided at all costs because making the wrong move could wake the dragon. The positive side of my sensitivity and intuitiveness has helped me read situations well and make adjustments to other people…but the negative side was that I often avoided confrontations and shut down my own feelings.
I became very reflective and independent, spending a lot of time on my own, and spending as much time as I could out of the house and away from him. I read tons of books, I wrote terrible poetry, I spent huge amounts of time at the basketball courts. When I left home for college, I made my own way and rarely came home.
There was a lot of upside to this. I became a good basketball player and was recruited to play in college. I eventually went on to be an English teacher and in addition to blogging, I have written a novel and am in the midst of a second one.
The downside of this reflective and independent streak was that intimacy was difficult for me. I was afraid to trust my partners in relationships. I needed to be in control, for that seemed to be the safest place to be in a relationship. I wouldn’t get hurt if I were in control… at least I thought I wouldn’t. No wonder after getting married in my 20’s I was divorced within 18 months.
My dad was the ‘villain’ in my life story and I was the heroic victim. I was mad at him for years…even as I sought his approval. For years I wished that my childhood could have been different, that I would have had a loving and supportive father. That instead of dreading my father coming home after work, that I had a dad that I looked forward to seeing.I went through years where I healed many parts of me that were broken and eventually found myself able to forgive him.
And now, in the last decade, I have learned to open my heart. I have learned to love the person that I am and that has enabled me to love him, unconditionally…without the need for apologies nor the need for me to forgive him. He doesn’t need my forgiveness.
Whatever suffering I felt years ago is gone. It no longer defines me. In a strange way it was a gift to me. My spirit and my soul have grown tremendously because of him. I never thought I’d say this; but I wouldn’t have changed anything on this journey.
So now I sit on edge of a huge transition. This man, my father…this gigantic figure in my life, may be leaving forever. He is so much a part of me and I am so lucky to have him in my life.
Like so many Irish fathers and sons, including his own father, there were some epic battles fought during our lives. But when I sit with my own son; when on occasion I corner him, give him a hug, and tell him I love him… ( to his consternation, after all he is 16)…I know that the cycle is broken.
I have learned to love…in large part throught the journey that my father and I have taken together.
His spirit will always be with me.
pete
