A New Earth Class 3: Complaining
March 19, 2008 at 4:16 pm (A New Earth, Class 3, Oprah, awakening, conflict, ego, inner life, judgment)
One of the interesting points that was explored in this week’s class was the idea that there are two ways to complain. When we complain with our ego we bring emotion and judgments to the complaint. We personalize it. This is generally not effective because it causes the person to whom we are targeting the complaint to get defensive.
Does this mean that we can never speak up to change something that isn’t producing the results we want? No, it simply means that we state the “what is” of the situation or behavior, without our ego involved.
We can complain to the waiter that “MY SOUP IS COLD!” in frustration and indignation (our ego at work); or we can state to the waiter that “My soup is cold. Please take this back and bring me hot soup.” without the emotion.
I remember telling one of my subordinates who was not performing up to my standards that I did not trust them. The person completely lost their temper and began shouting at me. I see now that my ego was at work creating an ‘I’m better than you drama’.
I would have been much more successful if I had stated the behaviors and actions of this person that were not up to my standards, nor the organizations. I might have gotten some ‘pushback’; but not the ‘over the top’ emotional reaction that ensued.
pete
Heidi said,
March 20, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Hi Pete,
I just had a realization this morning about this chapter.
The “beating up” voice in my head (the one that says “why did I do that? I’m such an idiot! I just can’t seem to do anything right!) is this same kind of complaining if all it does is make me feel bad - that doesn’t move me forward.
What I’m trying to do is pay attention to those feelings and take them as a gift - highlighting areas that I can work on. That has allowed me to find some of the hidden messages that I hold in my brain. And once I shine the light of recognition in those corners of my mind, those messages lose their power over me!
So now, whenever I hear my ego minimizing my accomplishments, telling me I’m not doing enough or that I’m a failure, I can just remind myself that it’s just complaints - and refocus on what I can do about it instead!
Thanks for being part of this conversation!
Being able to read about your thoughts and share my ideas is incredible!
Isn’t it amazing that we can find such connections electronically - how I would have missed out without the internet!!
Pete Reilly said,
March 20, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Heidi,
To me, these inner complaints we have about ourselves are the most insidious. I have a sense that as they dissolve, so will our judgments of others. It seems like the two go hand in hand.
pete
Heidi said,
March 21, 2008 at 2:25 am
Pete,
You’re so right - I’ve often noticed that the things I judge other people about are often the things that I haven’t yet figured out how to forgive myself for!
Those are also the things that induce the greatest emotional reaction - because along with that judgment comes the pain of the attached assumptions (I’m bad, I’m weak because I can’t seem to change this, I’m not lovable, everyone would hate me if they knew, etc…).
And there’s that ego again…
Thomas White said,
March 21, 2008 at 11:57 am
Pete
What a wonderful service you are providing by bringing this conversation to even more people. The drum beat of our purpose is the core of our being. When I hear it I always walk with certainty. When I don’t feel it, I find myself in places where I wonder how it is that I arrived there.
With appreciation,
Thomas
Pete Reilly said,
March 25, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Heidi,
Yes, I trust that by just being aware of this and noticing it when it is happening, increases the distance between our ego thoughts and our deeper voice. Trying to fight these thoughts seems to lead to those negative self judgments. It keeps coming back to bringing yourself into the moment as often as we can remember to do so.
pete
Pete Reilly said,
March 25, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Thomas,
Sometimes the drumbeat is muffled and echoes through the mountains and I’m not sure where it is coming from. I start off towards it and find it is only an echo and I’m not getting closer. I need to stop often and listen carefully from a place of complete stillness to sense where the sound is really located; and then I start my journey again.
On the journey I sometimes encounter other people searching in the mountains and we sit by fires together, share time and tell our stories before breaking camp and continuing on.
Then there are the teachers. They walk ahead and light the path or they soar above on invisible thermals showing us the possibilities of our own lives.
In gratitutude,
pete